Upriver

Upstream

I do not like walking around my neighborhood

It reminds me of how far I have not come

I never imagined my life to be this way

I lived the life of academic success,

Hard work

Be kind to everyone

Where am I?

Not where I was told I would be

Or maybe it is the way I’m looking at things

Maybe I’m not looking at what is really there

Maybe I’m seeing what I want to see

I do not know

That should be the title of all my poems

I do not know

That in itself is a place of panicked unfamiliarity

When I was young I knew all

I learned all

Everything was scientific fact

Not a speck of mystery in any of it

Though there was great wonder and order and beauty

No, not one speck of mystery

Then the oceans rose

The rivers came rushing in

Sweeping all of that away

I look back upon that memorable day

And wonder if I should celebrate

Or curse it

There seems to be nothing that can ever reverse it

The waters are always now shifting within me

Like the winds

So here I am

Another member of lonely land, the wilderness of millions,

Wondering why I’m here

What have I done

To be so fortunate, yet to be the one

That seems to never hit the finish line of destiny

Maybe there isn’t one

Maybe it’s in the running

The walking, the crawling,

Doing whatever it takes to continue moving forward

Never still

Never still

For in the moving waters, still is always moving backwards

Or forward if one simply yields

To the rhythms of the undercurrents

That flow within my very soul

I do wonder what is the definition of whole

I wonder more what it is like to experience it

I wonder if I'll ever know

I think I will, if I will only keep moving

Embrace

Embrace

I am not your savior for the day

Nor am I an expert in anything

All of these experts

I hear the future laughing at them

“Those thoughts are ridiculous!

Everyone knows that isn’t so!”
I just don’t want to be there

I don’t want to be in that group

Known for not just it’s ignorance

But for it’s obstinate arrogance in it all

I also do not wish to be amongst the ones

Who refuse to believe anything at all

Just to not be wrong

I cannot waver between correct and not

Trying to avoid the extremes

I must take my stand

Yet so it seems

The most reliable foundation of them all

Is the foundation I cannot see or feel

Can this be so?
Can this be real?
Do I set my life on something that is so bizarre

Instead of the universal comfort in ritual?

I don’t know

I cannot think clearly with all this noise

People blabbering nothings

Phones playing videos 

The Facebook and Twitter accounts brimming

Over the edges of the known universe

The trolls and horrific tales scream the lies

So loud no one knows the truth anymore

But yet there I go on a rabbit trail

No rabbits have been along here for decades

Only wandering, mumbling schizophrenics

Looking for their next doses of medications

I look up toward the sun’s rotations

And wonder when the next wonder will be

Will I even be around to see it? To know it?

Or will I have fallen asleep in the murmurings of my questions?

It’s been a long time since I’ve use any punctuations

I think that is a great sign

A sign I’m beginning to pause

A sign I’m beginning to pause and ponder the purpose of it all

A sign that I’m ready for the borderlines of an embrace

Autumn (Change)

Autumn

An introverted poet

Often it is an inanimate life

Filled with avoidance

Loneliness

Introspection

Questions

Doubts

People seem more like interruptions

Than the gifts they truly are

I can sit all night and wish upon a star

Yet if there is no one else to share it with

What does it ever really matter?

But reaching out is so hazardous

So much energy

So much risk

So much potential for pain

So much potential for love

I’ve reached the point of my abyss

Where I must choose to take the risks

Even if it is moment by moment by moment

Lots of slips and falls

Lots of angry retribution

Lots of cursing others

Much more of cursing myself

Yet I must get up again

Looking up toward the sunlight

I must not walk along the river

But through it

In it

Going along until it runs over my head

I pick up my feet and let it carry me instead

Of constantly fighting to keep my balance

Every step is a choice

Every choice is a step

I’m not sure why I’ve even chosen this direction

Other than deep within me my being cries out for me to

There must be something worthwhile at the end of this

Or maybe the treasure is scattered all along the route

With this thought my heart has a quiet shout

That is the first I’ve felt since my childhood

I must pursue the beauty, I must pursue the good

All while the good pursues me

I see the changing tree

10/7/17